no witticisms here

have you ever read something
then experienced God
encountered God
come to know him in a different way
and then reread your something only to have a completely different understanding in reading it?

it has been something like 3 years since i have really done any bible study. bible study was the one thing i was “good at” when i was growing up. i took tests on it all. i memorized verses and chapters. i knew all about God but never really knew him.

he has been doing one mighty work! recently i started a small group, which God blessed at just the right time (two of my friends ditched me for thier life and one got busy with work. hahaahah). we decided to do part game night (once a month), bible study (three nights a month) and a volunteer project (once a month).

bible study is now a whole different world. hahahah oh i love it! it is reading the thoughts and ideas and delights of the most incredible friend a person could have. it is the most incredible opportunity to embrace a different part of relationship. but instead of seeing that i have to be perfect, i see that there isn’t anything i can ever do to make him love me more. instead of seeing i’m not good enough, i see he delights in me and rejoices over me with songs. i get to know him so much better! how awesome!

my abba is good. he is kind. he is the best lover/pursuer/friend/father/fortress a girl could have. and i am so thankful for all he has done/is doing/will do in my life! it astounds me daily of the extent he goes to tell me he loves me. for the last 8 years i have spent thanksgiving with families not my own (with the exception of last year when i surprised my family). it has been so fun! i love a big family, which i don’t have, and seeing how different people treat the holiday. this year it was a little harder. i have such an amazing support system and such an amazing group of friends, but holidays are when people are with their family.

it is becoming increasingly difficult to not long for my own family more. so i had to chose to think of all i have instead of what i don’t have. not that what i have isn’t worth being thankful for, it so is! but for the first time, it felt different. it felt almost like i was an after thought. i wasn’t invited over until i mentioned i didn’t have anything to do. no one pursued me to be with them. many people made sure i had somewhere to be, but it isn’t the same. or it didn’t feel the same. and then after getting home mid afternoon, i called on friends to let me come crash their evening so i wouldn’t be home. i had yet one more thing to be thankful for. an open invitation to ask for help when i needed it. i needed to not be alone and God provided the perfect environment for me to spend my evening.

the list of things to be thankful for is endless. it is the countless daily reminders of who he is, how big he is, what his heart is for me. it is in the simple i love you’s from a father, a friend, a brother. it is in the hugs of people who know you and think you are incredible. it is in the lessons learned before getting married/having kids/experiencing really hard things in life. it is in knowing who i am in Him. it is in his pursuit of me as HIS own. it is in these things that i am thankful for. it is in these things that i grow in my daily love and admiration of a Father who knocks my socks off every time i turn around.

thank you abba.

i don’t guess many people read this but sorry for the few of you who do. hahah

God is so freakin’ good! i love the healing in a good cry and encouragement in a long talk with a mentor. i love the understanding from a friend and the satisfaction from a hard workout. i love being able to see God in the smallest of ways. i love that he is faithful to continually reveal himself to me. to reveal who he is. who i am.

i have been working on my identity. i went into this thinking, all my issues stem from not having a solid identity in him. i realize that most issues will stem there but i knew it was true for me and i don’t want to have them anymore. i don’t want to question my beauty or worth. i don’t want to wonder if he really is going to use me for something grand or if he really does have someone for me. i don’t want to belive the lies that satan has done such a good job whispering in my ear. i don’t want to turn to food for comfort. or seek people when i should be going to abba.

and he continues to knock my socks off. i am using “victory over the darkness”, “knowledge of the Holy” and “captivating” as the books to help me along the journey, coupled with time alone with God. it has been invigorating. i am seeing things that are exciting to see. i am hearing truth above the lies. and this God i always thought i knew, i am realizing that i am just now really getting to know him. and it is cool. i know him and i hear his voice. i know where i am supposed to be headed, even if i don’t want to.

there are still things to work on. bonds to break. strongholds to crush. truths to cement. and i am thankful for the time to do it all. i was just talking with a friend the other day about divorce. so many are divorced. so many my age have been married and divorced and some remarried. and it breaks my  heart. it breaks my heart that they think they HAD to get married in the first place. or that they just quit because they were afraid. because it was hard. i am so thankful for the opportunity to understand me and God on such a solid basis before getting so intimately involved with a husband.

mmmm i pray you get to experience Jesus in a way that knocks your socks off. in a way that seems unreal to you. in a way uniquely your own. cause he loves you, you know. he loves you so much!

these are some things that have really impacted me recently by different people:

1. According to psychologists we’re only born with two fears: the fear of falling and the fear of loud noises. That means that every other fear is learned. Which means that every other fear can be unlearned. Here’s a definition of faith: the process of unlearning ungodly fears.

The enemy is a fear monger. He wants to scare the heaven out of you. But I John 4:18 says: “Perfect love casts out all fear.” In other words, as we grow in a love relationship with God we unlearn our fears until the only fear we have is the only healthy and holy fear: the fear of God. And when you fear God you don’t have to fear anything else! Perfect love results in fearlessness.

I think there are moments in life when we have to make major decisions that will determine our destiny. And we will spend the rest of our lives managing those major decisions. And if you let fear dictate your decision you’ll end up with a ton of inaction regrets at the end of your life. Fear is a great friend, but it makes a terrible master! Don’t let fear dictate your decisions. You have to face your fears. And what you’ll find is this: the thing that scares you to death is very often the thing that brings you to life.

Here’s another lesson learned: few things are as liberating as what you fear actually happening. You realize that God is still there and life goes on.

- mark batterson

2. “Be still, bride of Christ.  Your heavenly Husband’s hand awaits your clasp.  His hand is strong — strong enough to pull you from the deepest pit.  His hand is gentle—aware of every hair on your head.  His hand is well worn—callused from hard work, splintered from carrying a cross, scarred from the pierce of nails.  It is a holy hand that tolerates no evil, but it is not a clenched fist.  It is a captivating clasp, but it is no angry prison-guard’s grip.  It is a joyful hand, but it’s more than the high-five of a teammate.  It is a hand of promise, but it transcends the firm handshake of a business partner.  It is the hand of a husband in love.” (Alan Wright, Lover of my Soul)

Thank you Father for not leaving my fingers empty.  There is no place my hand would rather be than in Yours.

Be still and know that I am God.  Ps. 46:10

- dave lewis

i feel like i am in a season of tears. of pain. but of astounding growth. last month, i decided to take the rest of the year to just really try to let God refine my identity in Him. i still have 2 months to go and i feel like i have come leaps and bounds already but definitely have so much to go. he continues to groom me. there are days i wish it didn’t hurt so bad. i wish i could wake up and clearly see all of God and all of me and be done. i know others who God has revealed himself that way…but that isn’t how he chose to react to me…and all the other days i am so thankful. i think if my eyes were completely opened all at once, i don’t know if i could take it all in and handle it. God is gracious to reveal bits and pieces to me.

he continues to remind me of truth. in one situation recently in my frustration, i felt like he whispered to me that love covers a multitude of sins. that love is the greatest of all qualities. we can have faith and hope but without love, it all means nothing. he is showing me the importance of noting the truth and speaking it.

but even more than that, he is showing me through some amazing people how i think about myself or at least treat myself in ways that don’t portray the truth about me. things like undervaluing what i need/want/think. things like acting self-conscious about my arms or stomach without even realizing it. things like how i shy away from the hard conversations when it comes to something that deals with my needs or desires or feelings. this is hard stuff! how do we…how did i get so messed up?

but at the end of the day, i can listen to kim walker pour the salve on my soul with her words of “how He loves us”. and the truth sinks a little deeper. the truth takes a better hold than the day before. and i make an inch of progress.

thank you to those of you who speak truth in my life! i would start naming people and forget someone or not put someone who reads my blogs but never tells me they do…but you know who you are. and you are definitely a blessing from God!

yet knowing that peace that passes understanding.

i was reading mark batterson’s blog the other day and he talked about how when we are spiritually immature, the comfortable circumstances are the times where we have the most peace. but the spiritually mature love the uncomfortable circumstances, the ones that require divine intervention, because it is in those that we have absolutely no control…it takes all the pressure off. it is in those divine intervention necessary situations where we can step back and watch the master at work.

it is in those moments he has been teaching me to just be. to walk with him. to trust him. he has been showing me a lot about this. how when i talk about a $6.4 million property that i put a letter of intent on, there is not a worry or a care in the world. i know that it can’t be me who does anything so i am not worried. then i think about guys and freak out. somehow i have come to believe that i can do a better job. or that it somehow depends on me. that i will screw something up. that i won’t be good enough for whomever i fall in love with. and he gently reminds me that he placed the desire for that in me. that i have no control in my world where i think i do. and he patiently waits for me. he waits for me to sit with him. to listen. to give back to him that which was never mine to have. control.

so i call on uncomfortable circumstances. bring ‘em on! i want to step into uncharted territory. i want to experience things i never though i could/would because they somehow depended on me. i want the divine-glorious-awe inspiring work of God in my life! scary and all.

and then i sigh with relief. grace. freedom. this is all so new. so refreshing. so mind-blowing. every day i see and understand it a little better. it makes me sad i didn’t get it before. even a little. but i know i am right where i am supposed to be, where i am supposed to be, learning and growing just as i am supposed to. it’s cool.

there are so many conflicting messages out there. you’re too: fat, skinny, pale, tan, loud, quiet, etc. oe person thinks one thing of you and another thinks the opposite. why does it matter so much what everyone else thinks? why is it easier to believe a lie than the truth? why does it take 4 encouraging things to replace the 1 thing someone said without thinking?

He gently whispers, you are mine and you are beautiful and somehow satan translates that to you are almost there. you are almost good enough. pretty enough. talented enough. and we chose the lie over the truth. truth of daughtership. priceless treasure. beautiful and beloved. and the identity we so seek, is wrapped in mud and dirt. the lies from the king of lies.

the lie has been there so long, the truth just seems too good to be true. not possible to actually grasp. you have been so hard on yourself for so long, that you don’t know how to let yourself breath. be loved. be adored. be cherished. be beautiful. so you continue to press on. sometimes chosing the lie over the truth just because it is easier. it is comfortable. it is what you have known for so long.

and He is patient. loving to the end. waiting in anticipation for the moment when it sinks into your heart and all is enlightened. aha! the truth is real. the turth is truth. but sometimes, no matter how badly you want that light to go off, it doesn’t. and so you sit and wait. keep listening to the truth, hoping that one day it will forever change you. then there will come that moment when you will look at the last minute and realize something has forever changed. the truth has taken root.

until then, you pray. you listen. you pray. you listen. and sometimes you just cry. but in the end, it is His identity that matters. it is who He says you are that matters. just getting to that full realization and understanding is the hard part sometimes.

i am His.

i am His…friend…lover…daughter…soldier…treasure

i am…beloved…beautiful…loved…protected…blessed…cherished

He is…abba, father…good…kind…faithful…just…gracious

He is my…lover…protector…provider…healer…life source

He is I AM.

we are many things. sometimes we believe we are something other than we are. and we act out of who or what we believe we ourselves to be. a choice. we have a choice to see truth and believe it. let it change us. and live out our lives in that truth. or we can remain in the dark. alone. either way it is our choice. i choose truth. i choose to believe that the lies satan tells me aren’t real. that i am in fact who God says i am.

what do you choose?

i have learned a LOT of things in the past few years. simple things to complex things. every day life things to heart things. i have learned things and then had the opportunity to put them into practice. that is even cooler than learning them.

forgiveness is on that list. but more than just learning to forgive, i have learned what it really means. and what it doesn’t. forgiveness is letting go, trusting that God is going to take care of it. forgiveness is saying to God, i believe you are big enough to handle them, i don’t need to hang on anymore. forgiveness is not for the other person, it is you letting go over whatever semblence of control you think you have. forgiveness is a release of judging.

forgiveness isn’t forgetting. forgiveness isn’t walking back into a relationship without boundaries. sometimes forgiveness doesn’t include resoration. forgiveness isn’t saying that what they did was ok or right.

and it is hard. it is hard to forgive when you just want to hear an apology. it is hard to let go when you want to hold on so tightly. for me it is hard to realize that just because i forgave, doesn’t mean there has to be a friendship in the end. it is hard for me to realize that sometimes, second chances aren’t what someone needs. sometimes, it is better to walk away.

i never thought it felt like it got easier. any of it.

i started praying for patience when i moved to kentucky back in august of ‘03. God began providing more opportunities than i care to think about to grow my patience. i was either losing a job, wanting to be done with school, lonely or waiting for something. and even after moving to texas, i see how i am more graceful in it but it hasn’t gotten any easier with time…

until last week. after watching a video (marshmallow experiment) i feel like i “got” it! like there has been a small piece missing. i hear, be about God while waiting/being patient, for whatever it is. and not that i think i am doing it all right but i feel like i am all about God. but it hit me that when we focus on whatever it is we are waiting for, it makes the patience and waiting so much harder. and so the focus shifts. which seems like a no brainer but i just understood it.

the letting go doesn’t mean not having those dreams or goals or passions anymore. it means stepping back and anticipating God’s faithfulness but pursuing Him all out! whatever that looks like for each person.

so the waiting is easier. there is peace. there is assurance that we are right where we are supposed to be. joy in existing in relationship with Him.