no witticisms here

i grew up in a house where it was a given to play in the dirt, making mud pies. where we got our vaccinations. where soap was welcomed. baths adored. i am reading through “the maker’s diet” and it is shattering my entire universe. well…at least making me question the things that were givens. some of them are great and some of them seem to be contributing to the declination of our society’s health as a whole.

who would have guessed that playing in the mud was great for your health. or that washing your hands with anti-bacterial could be harmful, not only by ridding yourself of all the good bacteria along with the bad but by contributing elements that could be potentially harmful to your liver. who would have guessed that sun bathing accompanied by the diet prescribed by God, would benefit the body instead of harm. these are some of the things i am learning.

i have never been a person who is all about the homeopathy. being a germ freak or even worrying about things that some do so much. but i feel as if something in my spirit is stirring as i read. do i have the potential to “avoid the diseases” that my parents carry. if God is the same as he always has been maybe his  dietary guidelines were more than just another rule the people had to follow. hahah wow! i am flabbergasted. and the funny thing, when this book came out, my roommate at the time told me about it and i wrote it off as a religious fanatic. but the minute my trainer recommends it, it is something of value. sad for my lack of an open heart.

well here is to new beginnings. to learning. to changing the way things have always been done because it was a “given”.

- there are those days when everything goes right. hit every green light. coffee is perfect. sun is shining. Abba’s voice is loud and clear. your focus is in tact and your heart is at peace.

- there are those days when everything goes wrong. can’t get a creative thought to save your life. satan won’t stop pounding you with lies. hit every red light on your way to work and you were late to begin with.

- there are those days when you can’t help but question everything around you. can i be thankful and sad at the same time about the same thing? what this repeated dream mean? what am i supposed to be doing with my life right now/ am i just supposed to be “being” cause i feel like i have been doing that for a long time?

- there are those days when you experience every emotion in the book within an hour’s time. it blows my mind the capacity which God has given us to experience that and come out sane. hahah

i am so excited to see how they all work together…”for the good of those who love HIM”. it is interesting to see how something new is learned in looking back on each of the days. whether it is how i handle something so minute and wrong or how i handle the good times or the questions or the gambit of emotions. it is learning to have grace with myself, which i must say is probably one of my biggest struggles. graces for others is unlimited. the grace to forgive, to show compassion, etc is there but when it comes to me, that is a different story. why did i say that? do that? why do i keep struggling with the same thing over and over and over!?! and then am reminded that God has given me grace for me too. grace to have for myself.

Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. – John 8.32

i am so thankful to the father of lights, in whom there is no variation or shifting shadow that there is grace. that there is truth. that it sets me free. that walking in that truth, i find grace to give myself out of HIS abundance. and those off days don’t seem so bad. the good days are even better. the questions don’t have to have answers. the truth sets free. and i remember that Abba doesn’t want perfection from me, he simply wants my heart. my whole hearts. he wants me to love him with all my heart, soul, mind and strength! the rest works itself out…even when it feels like its a big mess!

“If Jesus said that loving God with all our heart, soul, mind and strength is the most important commandment, then doesn’t it logically follow that we ought to spend an inordinate amount of our time and energy trying to understand it and obey it?”

oh. my. gosh. how obvious that seems but i don’t think i have ever actually thought of it like that. i mean. love. yeah it is important. i thought it was of utmost imporance. but i never really thought about how i should be expending energy and time trying to understand it. i didn’t think it was that hard. just love.

mark batterson in his book “primal” takes loving God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength to a whole new level. he explains so elloquently that it is more than just a pitter patter in your heart for God. it is a loving him through curiosity and wonder and creativity and sweat. it is going deeper than just the surface level appreciation. it is falling in love with God in ways that will turn this world upside down.

we get so busy in our world trying to defend doctrine. most of it doesn’t even matter. instruments or no instruments. saturday night services or no saturday night services. what matters? letting the people of the world know that we are HIS by the way we love people.  i hope so many people read this book. that God takes it and uses it to turn this world upside down. HE hand picked 12 men who changed the world. what if HE is calling you and me. calling us to love our neighbors as HE would be we are too busy focusing on the dos and don’ts. what if? what are you going to do about it!

“you never know where or when our how God will invade your life, but HE can show up anywhere, anytime, any way. and that ought to fill you with holy anticipation.”

read it.

as i read through captivating, i become more aware of the ways that abba is romancing me. the ways he loves on me. the ways he thinks i am captivating. the other day i was driving down the road and i have heard this song before and it always made me sad. sad to think that someone thought she was so useless and such. and then i felt like my abba was saying…hey. i am him. i think you are beautiful, incredible, i can’t get you out of my head. and the tears came! as i am driving down 35E, blubbering like an idiot. hahahha it makes my heart so glad that he has “drawn me into the dessert and spoken tenderly to me” (hosea 2:14). that in the midst of feeling alone as i hear people continually talk about their husbands and kids and families and i come home to an empty house the HE is there, romancing me. desiring me. longing to have my heart. how ridiculously blessed am i!

According to you | I’m stupid, | I’m useless, | I can’t do anything right.
According to you | I’m difficult, | hard to please, | forever changing my mind.
I’m a mess in a dress, | can’t show up on time, |even if it would save my life.

But according to him | I’m beautiful, | incredible, | he can’t get me out of his head.
According to him | I’m funny, | irresistible, | everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite, | I don’t feel like stopping it, | so baby tell me what I got to lose.
He’s into me for everything I’m not, | according to you.

have you ever read something
then experienced God
encountered God
come to know him in a different way
and then reread your something only to have a completely different understanding in reading it?

it has been something like 3 years since i have really done any bible study. bible study was the one thing i was “good at” when i was growing up. i took tests on it all. i memorized verses and chapters. i knew all about God but never really knew him.

he has been doing one mighty work! recently i started a small group, which God blessed at just the right time (two of my friends ditched me for thier life and one got busy with work. hahaahah). we decided to do part game night (once a month), bible study (three nights a month) and a volunteer project (once a month).

bible study is now a whole different world. hahahah oh i love it! it is reading the thoughts and ideas and delights of the most incredible friend a person could have. it is the most incredible opportunity to embrace a different part of relationship. but instead of seeing that i have to be perfect, i see that there isn’t anything i can ever do to make him love me more. instead of seeing i’m not good enough, i see he delights in me and rejoices over me with songs. i get to know him so much better! how awesome!

my abba is good. he is kind. he is the best lover/pursuer/friend/father/fortress a girl could have. and i am so thankful for all he has done/is doing/will do in my life! it astounds me daily of the extent he goes to tell me he loves me. for the last 8 years i have spent thanksgiving with families not my own (with the exception of last year when i surprised my family). it has been so fun! i love a big family, which i don’t have, and seeing how different people treat the holiday. this year it was a little harder. i have such an amazing support system and such an amazing group of friends, but holidays are when people are with their family.

it is becoming increasingly difficult to not long for my own family more. so i had to chose to think of all i have instead of what i don’t have. not that what i have isn’t worth being thankful for, it so is! but for the first time, it felt different. it felt almost like i was an after thought. i wasn’t invited over until i mentioned i didn’t have anything to do. no one pursued me to be with them. many people made sure i had somewhere to be, but it isn’t the same. or it didn’t feel the same. and then after getting home mid afternoon, i called on friends to let me come crash their evening so i wouldn’t be home. i had yet one more thing to be thankful for. an open invitation to ask for help when i needed it. i needed to not be alone and God provided the perfect environment for me to spend my evening.

the list of things to be thankful for is endless. it is the countless daily reminders of who he is, how big he is, what his heart is for me. it is in the simple i love you’s from a father, a friend, a brother. it is in the hugs of people who know you and think you are incredible. it is in the lessons learned before getting married/having kids/experiencing really hard things in life. it is in knowing who i am in Him. it is in his pursuit of me as HIS own. it is in these things that i am thankful for. it is in these things that i grow in my daily love and admiration of a Father who knocks my socks off every time i turn around.

thank you abba.

i don’t guess many people read this but sorry for the few of you who do. hahah

God is so freakin’ good! i love the healing in a good cry and encouragement in a long talk with a mentor. i love the understanding from a friend and the satisfaction from a hard workout. i love being able to see God in the smallest of ways. i love that he is faithful to continually reveal himself to me. to reveal who he is. who i am.

i have been working on my identity. i went into this thinking, all my issues stem from not having a solid identity in him. i realize that most issues will stem there but i knew it was true for me and i don’t want to have them anymore. i don’t want to question my beauty or worth. i don’t want to wonder if he really is going to use me for something grand or if he really does have someone for me. i don’t want to belive the lies that satan has done such a good job whispering in my ear. i don’t want to turn to food for comfort. or seek people when i should be going to abba.

and he continues to knock my socks off. i am using “victory over the darkness”, “knowledge of the Holy” and “captivating” as the books to help me along the journey, coupled with time alone with God. it has been invigorating. i am seeing things that are exciting to see. i am hearing truth above the lies. and this God i always thought i knew, i am realizing that i am just now really getting to know him. and it is cool. i know him and i hear his voice. i know where i am supposed to be headed, even if i don’t want to.

there are still things to work on. bonds to break. strongholds to crush. truths to cement. and i am thankful for the time to do it all. i was just talking with a friend the other day about divorce. so many are divorced. so many my age have been married and divorced and some remarried. and it breaks my  heart. it breaks my heart that they think they HAD to get married in the first place. or that they just quit because they were afraid. because it was hard. i am so thankful for the opportunity to understand me and God on such a solid basis before getting so intimately involved with a husband.

mmmm i pray you get to experience Jesus in a way that knocks your socks off. in a way that seems unreal to you. in a way uniquely your own. cause he loves you, you know. he loves you so much!

these are some things that have really impacted me recently by different people:

1. According to psychologists we’re only born with two fears: the fear of falling and the fear of loud noises. That means that every other fear is learned. Which means that every other fear can be unlearned. Here’s a definition of faith: the process of unlearning ungodly fears.

The enemy is a fear monger. He wants to scare the heaven out of you. But I John 4:18 says: “Perfect love casts out all fear.” In other words, as we grow in a love relationship with God we unlearn our fears until the only fear we have is the only healthy and holy fear: the fear of God. And when you fear God you don’t have to fear anything else! Perfect love results in fearlessness.

I think there are moments in life when we have to make major decisions that will determine our destiny. And we will spend the rest of our lives managing those major decisions. And if you let fear dictate your decision you’ll end up with a ton of inaction regrets at the end of your life. Fear is a great friend, but it makes a terrible master! Don’t let fear dictate your decisions. You have to face your fears. And what you’ll find is this: the thing that scares you to death is very often the thing that brings you to life.

Here’s another lesson learned: few things are as liberating as what you fear actually happening. You realize that God is still there and life goes on.

- mark batterson

2. “Be still, bride of Christ.  Your heavenly Husband’s hand awaits your clasp.  His hand is strong — strong enough to pull you from the deepest pit.  His hand is gentle—aware of every hair on your head.  His hand is well worn—callused from hard work, splintered from carrying a cross, scarred from the pierce of nails.  It is a holy hand that tolerates no evil, but it is not a clenched fist.  It is a captivating clasp, but it is no angry prison-guard’s grip.  It is a joyful hand, but it’s more than the high-five of a teammate.  It is a hand of promise, but it transcends the firm handshake of a business partner.  It is the hand of a husband in love.” (Alan Wright, Lover of my Soul)

Thank you Father for not leaving my fingers empty.  There is no place my hand would rather be than in Yours.

Be still and know that I am God.  Ps. 46:10

- dave lewis

i feel like i am in a season of tears. of pain. but of astounding growth. last month, i decided to take the rest of the year to just really try to let God refine my identity in Him. i still have 2 months to go and i feel like i have come leaps and bounds already but definitely have so much to go. he continues to groom me. there are days i wish it didn’t hurt so bad. i wish i could wake up and clearly see all of God and all of me and be done. i know others who God has revealed himself that way…but that isn’t how he chose to react to me…and all the other days i am so thankful. i think if my eyes were completely opened all at once, i don’t know if i could take it all in and handle it. God is gracious to reveal bits and pieces to me.

he continues to remind me of truth. in one situation recently in my frustration, i felt like he whispered to me that love covers a multitude of sins. that love is the greatest of all qualities. we can have faith and hope but without love, it all means nothing. he is showing me the importance of noting the truth and speaking it.

but even more than that, he is showing me through some amazing people how i think about myself or at least treat myself in ways that don’t portray the truth about me. things like undervaluing what i need/want/think. things like acting self-conscious about my arms or stomach without even realizing it. things like how i shy away from the hard conversations when it comes to something that deals with my needs or desires or feelings. this is hard stuff! how do we…how did i get so messed up?

but at the end of the day, i can listen to kim walker pour the salve on my soul with her words of “how He loves us”. and the truth sinks a little deeper. the truth takes a better hold than the day before. and i make an inch of progress.

thank you to those of you who speak truth in my life! i would start naming people and forget someone or not put someone who reads my blogs but never tells me they do…but you know who you are. and you are definitely a blessing from God!

yet knowing that peace that passes understanding.

i was reading mark batterson’s blog the other day and he talked about how when we are spiritually immature, the comfortable circumstances are the times where we have the most peace. but the spiritually mature love the uncomfortable circumstances, the ones that require divine intervention, because it is in those that we have absolutely no control…it takes all the pressure off. it is in those divine intervention necessary situations where we can step back and watch the master at work.

it is in those moments he has been teaching me to just be. to walk with him. to trust him. he has been showing me a lot about this. how when i talk about a $6.4 million property that i put a letter of intent on, there is not a worry or a care in the world. i know that it can’t be me who does anything so i am not worried. then i think about guys and freak out. somehow i have come to believe that i can do a better job. or that it somehow depends on me. that i will screw something up. that i won’t be good enough for whomever i fall in love with. and he gently reminds me that he placed the desire for that in me. that i have no control in my world where i think i do. and he patiently waits for me. he waits for me to sit with him. to listen. to give back to him that which was never mine to have. control.

so i call on uncomfortable circumstances. bring ‘em on! i want to step into uncharted territory. i want to experience things i never though i could/would because they somehow depended on me. i want the divine-glorious-awe inspiring work of God in my life! scary and all.

and then i sigh with relief. grace. freedom. this is all so new. so refreshing. so mind-blowing. every day i see and understand it a little better. it makes me sad i didn’t get it before. even a little. but i know i am right where i am supposed to be, where i am supposed to be, learning and growing just as i am supposed to. it’s cool.